A Bug in the Burger

When I was four, my parents took Amanda and me through a McDonald's drive-thru in Morristown, N.J. A few minutes after we pulled away with our food, they heard me carrying on a full conversation, seemingly with myself.

Mom: Who are you talking to?
Me: All the little bugs that came with my burger!

My mom, horrified, grabbed the food out of my hands and discovered that I did, indeed, have tiny insects crawling all over my burger. How that experience did not put me off McDonald's for the rest of my life is a mystery. However, "there's always a bug in the burger" became a family catch phrase after that, similar to "a fly in the ointment."

So. I'm kind of having a crap day at work. Nothing major, just the proverbial shit that hits the fan when PR people get too big for their britches (apparently I'm working as many idioms as possible into this entry; let's go with the flow.)

I was hungry. I was pissed off. I went to McDonald's. The drive-thru lady hands me my food, and as I open the bag to check for ketchup, a fly flew up out of the bag. It was in the bag. The bag with my food. Ewwww.

So I turned to the lady at the drive-thru and said, "I'm really sorry, but.. um, a fly just flew out of my bag of food."

Drive-Thru Lady: No, it didn't.
Me: I promise you, it did.
DTL: That's not possible. I just checked it.
Me: (thinking, "for napkins, maybe, but did you check it for bugs?!?) Look, I am really sorry, but I'm not trying to make trouble. I'm hungry. I'm in a hurry. I paid for it. I really do want this food. I wouldn't just make this up.
DTL: It didn't happen.
Me: Believe me, if it hadn't happened, I would be driving away, eating my food.
DTL: ....
Me: Can please have some clean food?
DTL: (very reluctantly) I guess.
Fly: lands on top of rearview mirror, rubs disgusting little buggy front appendages together greedily.
Me: Can I speak to a manager?
Manager: I know what you said happened. Can you park over there until we can make you a new order?
Me: Sure.

::: Twenty minutes passes. I'm starting to have just the slightest ability to at least partly grasp the frustration the Crazy Burger King Lady on YouTube felt when she called 911***:::

I walk up to counter. I explain the situation. The manager went home, and a new guy is working the drive-thru window. Neither woman who spoke to me about the fly are anywhere to be found. The guy behind the counter listens to me. Then he shrugs and asks what I ordered. He comes back a minute later with my Extra Value Meal. I go out to the car and open the sack o' grease. The sandwich and fries are both kinda cold. They feel, oh, like maybe they've just been sitting near a drive-thru window for 20 minutes.

I just know the fly is laughing his ass off.

*** Which, oh my God, if you haven't watched this YouTube video of a woman calling 911 because Burger King won't make her a Western burger, you have to listen to this right now. Some people... just have to be a bug in the burger, I guess.