Wednesday, July 06, 2005

There *has* to be a happy medium.

Okay, so I alluded to my "good date" in the comments from a previous post. He was nice enough (even though he voted for Bush), which was something I was willing to overlook on a temporary basis, mostly because I'm a giant hypocrite, as it turns out. Apparently, my commitment to not compromising on my politics has a big "unless he's a really good kisser" caveat. Go, me.

Yeah, so we had a big, melt-up-against-the-side-of-my-car kissing session weekend before last, agreed to call each other, la dee da. We chatted on the phone twice last week and agreed to check in when we both got back in town from our respective holiday weekend plans. So yesterday I emailed him something pithy about a second date.

I knew when I didn't hear back right away that this wasn't going to be good, partly because I'm running around like a kicked dog and have a very "DOOM!" attitude about such things at the moment. Also, I was pumping gas and simultaneously tempting fate by talking on my cell phone to Gwen when the automatic shut-off function failed, creating my own personal HazMat situation. We were bitching about the "It's Okay To Be Rude to People From the Internet Because They Obviously Don't Have Feelings" Factor when I spilled flammable fluid everywhere. I figured that can't be a good sign.

I was right. This is what I got back from the Excellent Kisser Who Voted for Bush:

"Hi, I'm not sure what to say.  I just have a feeling that we would have a fun time together for a little while, but I have a feeling it woudn't [sic] last very long.  I just think we are on opposite ends of the spectrum in a few areas, politics is just one.  I don't want to waste your time or lead you on.  Sorry."

So I sent back: "I have to say, I agree with you. I didn't think we were soulmates; I just wanted to make out again. But thanks for your honesty. Best of luck!" (Special thanks to Kelly for helping me define "too bitchy" on this one.)

Heh.

BUT THEN.... On the other end of the spectrum, I also had this message waiting in my inbox. I swear I am not making this up. This was the real subject line of the email.

Subject: Passionate Kisses On Your Sweet Spot???
"Hello! My name is Toolbox
[not his real name.] I'm a long distance runner (I have a trainer), I'm a full-time student at L****n College (my GPA is 3.98. I'm on the President's List, and the National Dean's List, and Phi Theta Kappa) , I love animals (My kitty cat's name is G****l. She protects me at nighttime when I'm scared), [his profile says he's 39] I'm a very good dancer (I was voted dancing king at my ten year high school reunion), and I'm EXTREMELY affectionate! You are a very beautiful woman! Wow!!! I make GREAT peach pancakes! I'll serve you breakfast in bed, and I'll wash the dishes also! I also play guitar and sing! I will serenade you with The Beatles' song, "Do You Want To Know A Secret?" Here are my two phone numbers:
My Home # ******
My Cell # ********
I can't wait to hear from you! You're GORGEOUS!!!
Love, (Kisses and Hugs)Toolbox
XOXOXO
XOXOXO


So, I would have just ignored the message, but karma is a bitch. So I sent this:

Subject: RE: re: Passionate Kisses On Your Sweet Spot???
Dear Toolbox,
Thanks for your email. I am so flattered, but I think the difference in our ages is too great. Best of luck in your search!
Take care,
Me


Alas, he is not to be deterred! I just got this back....

Subject: RE: re: Passionate Kisses On Your Sweet Spot???
Beautiful
[My Real Name ]:
Sweetie, are you sure that you won't reconsider? Love does not know age, LOVE ONLY KNOWS PASSION AND CHEMISTRY!!! WE could be great together! Pretty please???
         Here are my two phone numbers:
                My Home # *****
                My Cell # ******
I can't wait to meet you, sweetie! You're a doll!!!
Love, (HOT,WET KISSES)Toolbox
XOXOXO
 XOXOXO
P.S. You don't date Republicans. I'm a Socialist. Is that far away enough from Republican for you???


Why, yes, yes it is. Why don't you show me how very, very far away it is? I should mention that the words "HOT, WET KISSES" were written in 72-pt font. It makes it creepier. I'm just sayin.'

Ugh. Does the "People From the Internet Have Feelings, Too" Factor necessitate that I respond- again- with my regrets? Not to sound like the Konservative Kisser (see above), but I feel like that might lead him on. Suggestions are welcome in the comments. Maybe I'll make peach pancakes for the person with the best response....

There has to be a happy medium. There just has to be.

8 comments:

lauren said...

Delete, delete, delete! You are under no obligation to respond to The Crazy.

And bummer about the Republican. :(

shannon said...

I agree, do not respond to the whacko. If you feed them, they only get more rabid.
Although maybe you should save the e-mails for a good laugh sometime when you need them, because they're crazy, but funny in a crazy sort of way.
And did Gwen tell you about the time she created her own personal hazmat situation and she smelled like gas for the entire day, even though we went and bought her a new shirt, and I had to sit at the computer next to her? :)

Cindy W said...

I agree that it would probably be wisest to not answer him - don't poke the metaphorical bear in the zoo, as they say - but god, he sounds so outrageously disgusting that I would have a really hard time keeping myself from sending an equally outrageous bitchy reply. So many possibilities...

Sorry things didn't work out with the Republican boy, but you know, there are a lot of good Democrat kissers out there too. Or you can do like I did and go find yourself a foreigner who can't even vote in this country, so his opinion doesn't really count. :-)

Btw, I created a folder in my inbox called "no thanks" where I saved all of the funny/bad emails that I got through online dating. Or you could just post them all on your blog for our amusement.

Good god, "LOVE ONLY KNOWS PASSION AND CHEMISTRY" is still making me shudder with squickiness. Yeech.

Alissa said...

AHHHHHHH!!!!! Run away, run away!!!

Seriously, I had a guy that kept pursuing after several "thanks, but I really don't think so" emails, and finally I just had to be very, very blunt in order for him to get it. Afterwards, I thought it would have been much better to just not respond after the first subtle "no thanks, but good luck".

Run, run away, Peach Pancakes!

gwen said...

Oh my god, Ang, this is classic. "Peach Pancakes" is the new "totally nightmarishly insane." As in, "hey, buddy, I know socialists are passionate people, but don't go all Peach Pancakes on me."

That said, run away, Peach Pancakes, run away.

(Shannon, I did indeed tell her about my own personal Hazmat situation -- I still think about that every time I wear the shirt I bought that day!)

kelly said...

I had a guy who finally resorted to creating a new profile so he could send me an email calling me a "stupid cunt" because I wouldn't return his emails, of which there were many. There is a happy medium out there but it takes a while to find him. I'm sending you happy medium vibes~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

hefk said...

lordy. do not indulge the pancakes. these are not not nice fluffy East Pete-ly desireable pan-kay-kays. These are special pan-cukoos!

Jess & Bill said...

Hey Angela,

At your suggestion I read this post, and then I opened word just to see how big 72-point font is. It's big. And creepy.

This post, though, is hilarious! Bill and I can't stop laughing at my computer screen which says "HOT WET KISSES" in 72 point font. Talk to you again soon,

Jess and Bill