Saturday, July 23, 2005

The penguins will have to wait, and you need a therapist.

Hi. It's Friday night. I am not out on a date right now, even though I had a date scheduled with a seemingly very nice, successful, sweet, emotionally-open, intelligent guy who, depending on his eventual reponse may forthwith be referred to as a selfish, sizest, money-obsessed asshat. You will, of course, be required to agree me wholeheartedly in either case. (I will let you know as soon as I figure out which one he is.)

We had plans to the see the March of the Emperor Penguin movie, and he more or less blew me off when a friend (male, he claims, unless the friend is actually a girl named "Chad-" it could happen) rolled into town unexpectedly. He broke our date with a somewhat chilly email titled "The pengiuns [sic] will have to wait."


I emailed him back, saying I understood that these things happen, but I have to wonder if he's just blowing me off. In his original email, he said he was going out of town for a week starting tomorrow and said we could "maybe set something up" later. Most importantly, he did not apologize. He signed it "all the best." I was out of the dating scene for 6.5 years, but even I know that "all the best" does not bode well.

Now I'm a little worried that I was too harsh in my response. This was the first draft:

"F*ck off, you f*cking f*ck face. Sorry, my friend Gwen suggested I use that as my opener. I hope that big pile of money keeps you warm at night. There was a reason Scrooge McDuck was a bachelor.
All the best right back at ya,
Crestfallen Penguin"
(Special thanks to Gwen for writing most of it.)

My actual response was much, much nicer. No, really. It was. I promise.

This is the second Friday night in a row this has happened. I was supposed to go to Cosi with Aunt Flo last Friday, but he cancelled at the last minute because he decided he needed a therapist instead of a girlfriend.
Which is all well and good, in the end. At least tonight I managed to pull together last minute plans to hang out with a nice married couple. We went to Friendly's, the preferred chain restaurant of my adolescence.

Anyway, for those of you who are trying to keep track...
Up now? Sketchy Penguin.

On deck? A very nice, bleeding heart liberal law school student who is currently out of the state until the middle of August. We've sent a bunch of emails, and he seems like he might be worth meeting for coffee. However, in the most recent message, he revealed that his father is a former Prophet of Doom who has abandoned his predictions of apocalypse in favor of the pursuit of immortality. Apparently his dad is using himself as a "test case" as he attempts to prove "that one could live forever, physically, given adherence to some vague conditions of which [his son] is unaware." Also, Law School Boy never believed in Santa Claus, as his father thought it was a "Satanic fiction." Perhaps most disturbing of all, Law School Boy has never seen nor heard of "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!"

I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried.


Cindy W said...

Sketchy Penguin needs to go away. No apology? No date.

I feel bad for the Law School Boy. No Santa Claus or Charles Schulz? Poor guy. Funny how the minister-types - the ones who supposedly believe in heaven and eternal life and all that stuff - are often the ones who are trying to live forever. Wonder if there's a message there.

Chunky Photojournalist Barbie said...

Asshat. He's an asshat.

Anyone who tells me that he has preferences about his theoretical girlfriend's eating habits before he even meets her? Asshat.



Chunky Photojournalist Barbie said...

then again... maybe I should take a break...

Cindy W said...

Ok, I'm curious, what exactly are his theoretical girlfriend's eating habits?

Chunky Photojournalist Barbie said...

Ugh. UGH. Well, I should be charitable and say that the things I know about his troubled relationship with food came out of the conversations that made me describe him as "emotionally-open" and "sweet." But essentially he prefers not to date people who are overweight, who "munch on snacks at all hours" or who "think about food constantly."

Dating a guy with body issues (no matter how well-articulated they are) was bound to be disasterous for me anyway. I'm not having fun anymore. I think I'm gonna take a break. I'm going to be out of town pretty much every weekend until after Labor Day anyway.

Meanwhile, readers, you may snack on whatever you like.

Chunky Photojournalist Barbie said...

Not that you need my permission. I'm just sayin'- this is a pro-snack, anti-Sketchy Penguin zone.


Cindy W said...

When I was doing the online dating thing, I did occasionally take breaks for 2-3 months at a time - mainly to get my brain back in check - but also so that the current crop of available guys would have time to cycle out. Try again in the fall, and you'll have a whole new batch of boys to choose from. And hopefully none of them will have food issues, because that's just weird. I don't think Dave has ever given any thought to my snacking patterns whatsoever. And vice-versa, for that matter.

Btw, not wanting to date someone who "thinks about food constantly"? What is he, the thought police? Good call on assigning him to the Asshat category. Buh-bye, Asshat.

Alissa said...

yeah, I support checking out for several months. It's good for your own sanity and to get a new batch of guys. Once you exhaust the reasonable ones, you just end up scraping the bottom of the barrel, so to speak. It's nice to go away and come back after awhile and be like "oh, hey, look at all these possibilities", and opposed to "well, I weeded through all the good ones, guess I'll have to try this guy, who didn't crop his mother out of his picture and is wearing an eye patch." Or whatever. :)

Chunky Photojournalist Barbie said...


Rolling on the floor laughing!