... Okay. I had this unbelievably f*cked up nightmare the other night. I told my boyfriend and my sister about it. Joel was more than a little scared. Amanda thought it was awesome. I don't know, you tell me.
I had a dream that I was supposed to go to a meeting. I have no idea what it was for, but it was definitely a one-on-one thing, not a conference or anything. It was in a skyscraper, probably in Manhattan. None of this matters, I'm just giving you a sense of the scene. So Dream Me arrives at the office, I met a very skinny blonde woman who kind of looked like Uma Thurman. We shook hands very pleasantly and sat down facing each other across a desk. Then, she pulled out a gun and announced matter-of-factly that she was a hit-woman and was here to kill me. I tried to get out of the way, and we struggled for the gun. I managed to kick it out of her hand, but she pulled out a knife and jumped me. It was kind of like that horrible scene in Saving Private Ryan, where the German soldier is bearing down on the guy with the bayonet? And the cowardly guy could save his buddy's life, but he doesn't? So Skinny Uma Hit-Woman Dream Thurman is on top of me with the knife, and I'm trying as hard as I can to keep the tip of the blade away from my chest. And then... I tell her that there's nothing more threatening to a skinny woman than a happy fat girl. And... I somehow get the upper hand. I end up sitting on her, literally crushing her, while yelling out all the things a happy fat girl can eat. Every time I yell out a fattening food item, she gets a little weaker. So, like, I yell, "meatball sub!" and manage to pin her arms behind her back. I yell "ice cream!" and she stops kicking. And that's how I kill her, in my dream, by shouting out all the delicious fattening food items she denies herself.
I felt weird about it the whole next day, because I KILLED someone. In real life, if someone were to pull a gun on me, I would probably trip over my shoelaces trying to get away. And I can't seem to stop researching stomach banding. Grrrr.