WHAT IS MY LIFE? WHAT. IS. MY. LIFE?
How do I even begin to describe my day? HOW?
As a little teaser, I will tell you up front that this story ends with my having to go to Traffic School. Or at least take a special test or something.
Anyway, I guess I will start by telling you that I booked a hotel for Romantic Valentine's Day Weekend... As a part of the Grand Starving Artist Package, Stephen and I are staying at the Howard Johnson Express on 34th Street. I know. It's sad. I am spending Valentine's Day at the Manhattan HoJo.
I hate Valentine's Day. I do. It makes everyone greedy and competitive and/or unhappy and lonely. I hate that. Even though this is going to be my fourth Valentine's Day with SuperBoyfriend, I have ended up either being forced to work in a fast food restaurant by a guy named Lloyd, practically putting a tourniquet on aforementioned Boyfriend, getting into a fight with people I really love (although not Boyfriend), or nearly having a nervous breakdown in the Olive Garden and having to chug 2 Ativan with a glass of wine before leaving in a sluggish synergistic haze of tears and alfredo sauce.
That was meant to be funny. You laugh now.
Anyway, then I went to Wal-Mart with my Grandma (not Nanny, she is still in hospital- it's fun to say it the British way- Hi Jo!) to buy old lady things like wreath rings, hemming measure-thingys (don't ask), insoles, ear wax remover kits (ew. ew. ew.) and potatoes because "Angie, they have the most beautiful potatoes at Wal-Mart." Hey, if you say so. So I gotta say that just being in Wal-mart in Hanover, Pa, (Population: 320. Percentage of Population involved in local chapter of KKK: 65%) is a cultural experience unto itself. Sigh... And Grandma gets her hair cut there by a really Interesting Person named Antonella, at least since the lady next door who styled it once a week since 1948 officially went blind last year. Right. So we get to Wal-Mart at 1:15. Antonella doesn't get there until 2. No problem. We sign up for her 2:00 spot and begin to shop.
At precisely 1:55 Grandma finishes her shopping, but she doesn't have time to check out, so I keep the cart, throwing in a few things that we need, including a Dr. Pepper. Then, I check out, explaining to the Very Bored Wal-Mart Cashier that half of these things are my grandmother's, and I only want to pay for my items at this time, and is it okay if I push the cart through with the remaining unpaid items to sit at the bench near the Wal-Mart Family Hair Salon to wait for her? Yup, he definitely doesn't care. So I sit, and wait, and knit, (I am really into this knitting thing, can you tell?) and make phone calls using my cell phone and ear bud (Thank you, Heather!). I schedule a dentist appointment, try to get in touch with Wetzel (a friend from high school to whom I haven't spoken in a few months) and place an order for a dozen Famous Hot Weiners with Everything from the Famous Hot Weiner Shop (My mom and dad LOVE these really gnarly chili and onion hot dogs. They buy a bunch and freeze them. I enjoy them from time to time as well, actually. Shame on me.)
And then I REALIZE that I look like the Scary Wal-Mart Lady, sitting on a bench with half of her items in bags, half not, knitting, drinking Dr. Pepper and (since cell phones are still unheard of in Hanover; let alone those newfangled ear buds) talking to herself. Wal-Mart employees take turns approaching me- Are you okay, ma'am? Did you want to pay for those things, ma'am? Is someone meeting you? Then I realize how funny this is and start to laugh. AND THEN- I spill my Dr. Pepper EVERYWHERE.... Seriously,this is Classic Angie. This is at least as good as the "GOOGLY GOOGLY" Squirrel Story (best saved for another time, I think). Sigh....
Then I take my Grandma home, deal with the eccentricities of my extended family (best explored in a different forum), and get on the road. I am driving down the back country roads when I get pulled over for speeding. I wasn't really going that fast, actually, but it's my third ticket in 8 months (although the police officer let me off without any points for the first one). I have accumulated 8 points. I suck. I have to take a special test. Has anyone out there in CyberLand had to take this test? Is it hard?
Hence, this begs the opening question- WHAT IS MY LIFE?
By the way, donations to the "Angie Has to Pay Traffic Fines and Is Already So Poor She Has To Spend Valentine's Day at the HoJo Express" Fund will be gratefully accepted.
Just kidding. :)