Friday, September 30, 2005

One Bad-Ass Gryllus pennsylvanicus

Right now I am sitting outside Alissa and Todd's house, close enough to the cozy, warm kitchen to enjoy their wireless Internet access, but not actually close enough to go into the warm coziness, because the door is locked. (Which is okay! No more apologizing! Because I invited myself! And I'm mooching free room and board! And you already had plans! I'm fine!)

But seriously? There is this incredibly determined cricket out here, man. He is CHIRPING his little thorax off. I mean, I'm not getting your average "cricket-cricket... cricket-cricket" here (which, by the way, is what the sounds of silence are like when you let it slip to the current wedding client's florist that "the last wedding I photographed, just two weeks ago, had all red and white roses, too. Yeah, well, no.. no florist. My friend and her wife did almost everything themselves! Same color scheme, in fact. So pretty!"

Response from client's florist : (::::cricket-cricket... cricket-cricket...:::) *Her* wife?

Response to client's florist: "YUP! So pretty! They're very close friends of mine." (with a maniacal smile that clearly says, "If you *even* go there, Betty, I will wrap you in a rainbow flag, cover you in honey and throw you to the lesbians!"

So ANYWAY, this cricket has attitude. He's all, "CHIRP! CHIRP! CHIRP! Don't even try to count the number of my chirps in 14 seconds and add 40 to get the temperature, bitches! I am chirping like it's 85 degrEEEs out here! [I assure you; it is not] CHIRP! CHIRP! Woo, it's hot!! I am going to mate or I am going to die trying!! Say, do you like pina coladas, baby? What's your sign? Playing hard to get, eh? Ah, you're a piece of gravel... Well, that explains *that.* I'm sure there are some other Stenopelmatinae around here! CHIRP! CHIRP! CHIRP! I'm a cricket! Do you hear me? I wanna hear you! GAAAAH. I'll even make peach pancakes! CHIRP! CHIRP! CHIRP!"

It has been a solid 30 minutes without a break. Aren't the crickets all supposed to die by the time it's cold enough for Haunted Halloween Hayrides (or rather, Eastern State Former Correctional Faciilties?)

Oh, and whatever you do, don't even THINK about trying to break into Alissa and Todd's house. Ever. Can't be done. Not even through the root cellar. Oh, no, you *ain't* gonna steal their laptops.

I'm gonna go wait in my car, I think.


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Cindy W said...

God, you just had to go and mention peach pancakes. That line alone made me snort.