Saturday, January 05, 2002

So.... I was just chatting with Jason online, and we started talking about job hunting. I have the opportunity to apply for a job in Florida at a very good newspaper where I have connections. And I am scared. I don't know what my problem is. It's just another job application, another portfolio sent out into the Anticipation Abyss of Doom, where a whole lot of portfolios go and never seem to get a response... (Which is good actually, because in the new business, if you send a portolfio out and it doesn't get sent back it might mean that it got someone's attention and they are keeping it for future reference, or else it means that they threw it away, but anyway- Many portfolios have gone out and only three have been returned, so I prefer to think that many of them are being kept for one reason or another.)

Anyway, I don't know why I just don't apply for it. On one hand, I am making a living being self-employed and the thing I really want- a staff job on the East Coast in the vicinity of Boston, NYC or DC or anywhere else I have friends/relations/acquaintances- seems like it could be just around the corner. Like, I just have to pay my dues freelancing for AP and it's only a matter of time until my contacts there (who genuinely seem to believe in my vision) help me get a job with them.

On the other hand, I just want to get started, to work in a community and practice my craft and live my passion. So... is waiting for the right opportunity an impractical idea? And why am I scared to apply for things like the job in FLA? I am only applying, and I can always turn them down if I should get it (although that wouldn't be wise because one of my profs is going to bat for me and it's a small business, the world of photojournalism, so turning them down would be very unwise) but I am getting WAAAAAY ahead of myself here. Sigh....

And then I have to ask myself, what is it that I am really afraid of? I think I am afraid of moving far away from my loving network and community of friends, boyfriend and family, etc. I think I might be miserable and lonely in a place like Florida or Texas. Some jobs I don;t apply for because they are in really ridiculous places that I would never want to live, like Fargo, ND or Iowa. But some jobs, like the one in Florida, I don't want to apply for because, well, like I said, I guess I am just afraid.

I am never known myself to be a weenie. Or at least I try not to be a weenie.

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