Monday, February 06, 2006

The Final Word

Bridezilla is not backing down, pretending she never officially hired me. This is the thing about the wedding business, all the magazine layouts of frothy tulle and vaseline-coated lenses tend to blur the fact that this is A BUSINESS. Some of my clients (SOME, I said; not you of course, everyone loves you) need to hear that I believe Their Special Day is the most unique, beautiful, and emotional experience that anyone has ever had the privilege to document, but there's a tremendous amount of work involved.

Depending on the couple, it's HARD WORK, and if she had only granted me the courtesy of a personal phone call and an apology when she cancelled, I probably would have been bummed about the money and then psyched that I had nothing else planned for the next 48 hours and could spend lots of time on my favorite hobby: napping.

I'm a big fan of napping.

Ultimately, I am not taking this chick to small-claims court over a cancellation fee, but based on what she told me about her Super Fabulous Life of the Demented and Delusional, you know what $500 would be to her? It would be like what I would spent on a bottle of water at an amusement park. You know how you're like, "$3.50 for water?!? You know, now I kinda wish I hadn't eaten that caramel corn and gotten all thirsty standing in line for the Flume. Oh well, my bad. ::: glug glug glug::::"

Sigh... Of course, my second-favorite pastime is fantasizing about zingers I could say to her. You should help me! It's fun. Amanda and I got started with a few of these:

"You took the time to email me your attorney's contact info on your wedding day? How sad for you."

"Okay! Thanks for the contact info! Hope your stupid wedding sucked!"

"This same attorney did your prenup, right? I get the feeling you're gonna need it!"

Gwen called me and told me she had $37 million dollars, and she'd like me to drop everything to shoot her wedding TOMORROW, with a warning that she'd call back in an hour and a half to screw me over, which was very, very funny. (Thank you.)

Here are a few more:

"I do freelance layout work, too, so when Honey McMoneybags trades you in for a younger, blonder model, do let me know. I have the *cutest* trophy wife clip art for your resume, should you find yourself needing to (gasp!) get a JOB."

"You know how I sounded all excited about your ability to get reservations at Snooty: The Restaurant for the post-wedding dinner? I was faking it."

Succumb to the petty side. You know you want to. Funniest comeback in the comments gets a prize.


Darren said...

Not a comeback, but a you not have a contract that you give out when someone books you for a job? It would have avoided all of this since you could have provided for a cancellation clause right in there. Even when it's a friend, you need to have some sort of legal document to back you up. With clients, it's protection, and with friends, just keeps everything friendly. You can't really leave gray areas where business is concerned.

Chunky Photojournalist Barbie said...

I'm well aware of the need to get everything in writing, Darren. I do have a contract, and it has all the clauses and cancellation fees written in. This particular situation, the specifics of which I don't want to share on the Internet because it would compromise her identity, is particularly complicated and has a lot to do with my speculating about the man she's marrying, and... Blarg.

I'll say this. She's a very "on a whim" type person and, because she has a lot of money, she can change her mind about the details and pay for any rush fees without thinking about it. I usually book six to eight months in advance. She was all, "you know what? You're FABULOUS! Your work is so beautiful! I MUST have you shoot my wedding!" blah blah blah two weeks before. The gray area was her doing, trust me. I don't usually take risks like this, but the money was too good to turn down.

I'm frustrated because I let her take the lead too much, but that's what the wedding business is about for some clients, making the bride happy at the expense of almost everything else. Which is why i don't do it fulltime.

Cindy W said...

I can't come up with any comebacks more clever than "hope your stupid wedding sucked," because that seriously made me laugh out loud. I'm never good at thinking of appropriately bitchy & cutting remarks on the spot, I always think of them when I'm lying awake at 3 a.m.

But honestly, I really do hope that her stupid wedding sucked.

Darren said...

Gotcha. Yeah, that sucks. Sometimes clients are just jerks. Business would be much easier if we could just not have clients. :) Sorry about all of that, then.

And yeah, hopefully her wedding did, in fact, suck. Cause there's no chance that she's going to have a happy marriage. People like that never do. Her husband is probably already cheating on her. People like that usually do....