Oh my God...
I just talked on the phone with a guy I've been communicating with online, you know? And he was so offensive, it was ridiculous. I've never met anyone that I could honestly say "I wouldn't go out with him if he were the last man on Earth" and mean it..... until JUST. NOW.
I would rather die alone (except for my 50 cats) than meet him for coffee. That's pretty bad.
Monday, June 27, 2005
Thursday, June 23, 2005
Thursday, June 16, 2005
Hammock (That's pronounced HAM-mock)
Sigh...
Last week my dad got frustrated and cut down these big, beautiful, tall Chinese elm trees in the backyard of my childhood home. I guess they were too tall for their own good and were threatening the neighbor's garage...? Or something...? They've always had issues with power lines, and I guess that my dad's efforts to keep the limbs away from the wires (which involved him standing the picnic table wearing an WWI army helmet and wielding a chainsaw) took their toll over the years.
The trees were the perfect distance apart for my hammock, which, in a throwback to my regional accent/idiosyncratic pronunciation I always called the HAM-mock (as opposed to "hamm-ick" like normal people). I don't remember how old I was when we got it, but I do know that M!ke Fle!schman came over with his puppy to play in it and the puppy threw up from the rocking the first day we had it. I definitely, definitely did NOT spend time with M!ke Fle!schman after the 5th grade, so I must have been about 8 when we got it.
I dragged it out of the storage shed every year on the first warm day in April and left it up until Halloween, laying in it under blankets once it was technically too cold outside for hammock naps. Countless friends and boyfriends joined me over the years. Kelly and I used to lay head to foot, balancing each other out, which was lovely until one of us had to stand up first. We had a method for swinging that involved each of us hooking one bare foot into the hammock ropes with the other foot on the ground and falling backward together on the count of three.
My dad nailed a piece of plywood into one of the trees with a rusty nail that somehow spun around. He used to nail Indian corncobs onto the plywood, which had the added benefit of feeding squirrels and spinning them around when they jumped on the corn. He called it his "squirrel carousel" which sounds cruel, but I assure you, it was very humane, despite the rusty nail and whatnot.
I was upset when my parents told me after the fact that the trees were gone. Okay, whatever, if they had to be cut down, so be it, but I just wish I could have come home and taken a photo of them first. I can go to Home Depot and buy a metal hammock stand like the one I have here in Stepford, but it won't be the same. This is the longest entry ever, but still... I'm cutting and pasting in "The Giving Tree" by Shel Silverstein.
Goodbye, trees. I'll be home soon, and you'll be stumps. But, as the poem says, you'll always be a quiet place to rest. You always were. :)
THE GIVING TREE
Once there was a giving tree who loved a little boy.
And everyday the boy would come to play
Swinging from the branches, sleeping in the shade
Laughing all the summer’s hours away.
And so they love,
Oh, the tree was happy.
Oh, the tree was glad.
But soon the boy grew older and one day he came and said,
"Can you give me some money, tree, to buy something I’ve found?"
"I have no money," said the tree, "Just apples, twigs and leaves."
"But you can take my apples, boy, and sell them in the town."
And so he did and
Oh, the tree was happy.
Oh, the tree was glad.
But soon again the boy came back and he said to the tree,
"I’m now a man and I must have a house that’s all my home."
"I can’t give you a house" he said, "The forest is my house."
"But you may cut my branches off and build yourself a home"
And so he did.
Oh, the tree was happy.
Oh, the tree was glad.
And time went by and the boy came back with sadness in his eyes.
"My life has turned so cold," he says, "and I need sunny days."
"I’ve nothing but my trunk," he says, "But you can cut it down
And build yourself a boat and sail away."
And so he did and
Oh, the tree was happy.
Oh, the tree was glad.
And after years the boy came back, both of them were old.
"I really cannot help you if you ask for another gift."
"I’m nothing but an old stump now. I’m sorry but I’ve nothing more to give"
"I do not need very much now, just a quiet place to rest,"
The boy, he whispered, with a weary smile.
"Well", said the tree, "An old stump is still good for that."
"Come, boy", he said, "Sit down, sit down and rest a while."
And so he did and
Oh, the trees was happy.
Oh, the tree was glad.
Last week my dad got frustrated and cut down these big, beautiful, tall Chinese elm trees in the backyard of my childhood home. I guess they were too tall for their own good and were threatening the neighbor's garage...? Or something...? They've always had issues with power lines, and I guess that my dad's efforts to keep the limbs away from the wires (which involved him standing the picnic table wearing an WWI army helmet and wielding a chainsaw) took their toll over the years.
The trees were the perfect distance apart for my hammock, which, in a throwback to my regional accent/idiosyncratic pronunciation I always called the HAM-mock (as opposed to "hamm-ick" like normal people). I don't remember how old I was when we got it, but I do know that M!ke Fle!schman came over with his puppy to play in it and the puppy threw up from the rocking the first day we had it. I definitely, definitely did NOT spend time with M!ke Fle!schman after the 5th grade, so I must have been about 8 when we got it.
I dragged it out of the storage shed every year on the first warm day in April and left it up until Halloween, laying in it under blankets once it was technically too cold outside for hammock naps. Countless friends and boyfriends joined me over the years. Kelly and I used to lay head to foot, balancing each other out, which was lovely until one of us had to stand up first. We had a method for swinging that involved each of us hooking one bare foot into the hammock ropes with the other foot on the ground and falling backward together on the count of three.
My dad nailed a piece of plywood into one of the trees with a rusty nail that somehow spun around. He used to nail Indian corncobs onto the plywood, which had the added benefit of feeding squirrels and spinning them around when they jumped on the corn. He called it his "squirrel carousel" which sounds cruel, but I assure you, it was very humane, despite the rusty nail and whatnot.
I was upset when my parents told me after the fact that the trees were gone. Okay, whatever, if they had to be cut down, so be it, but I just wish I could have come home and taken a photo of them first. I can go to Home Depot and buy a metal hammock stand like the one I have here in Stepford, but it won't be the same. This is the longest entry ever, but still... I'm cutting and pasting in "The Giving Tree" by Shel Silverstein.
Goodbye, trees. I'll be home soon, and you'll be stumps. But, as the poem says, you'll always be a quiet place to rest. You always were. :)
THE GIVING TREE
Once there was a giving tree who loved a little boy.
And everyday the boy would come to play
Swinging from the branches, sleeping in the shade
Laughing all the summer’s hours away.
And so they love,
Oh, the tree was happy.
Oh, the tree was glad.
But soon the boy grew older and one day he came and said,
"Can you give me some money, tree, to buy something I’ve found?"
"I have no money," said the tree, "Just apples, twigs and leaves."
"But you can take my apples, boy, and sell them in the town."
And so he did and
Oh, the tree was happy.
Oh, the tree was glad.
But soon again the boy came back and he said to the tree,
"I’m now a man and I must have a house that’s all my home."
"I can’t give you a house" he said, "The forest is my house."
"But you may cut my branches off and build yourself a home"
And so he did.
Oh, the tree was happy.
Oh, the tree was glad.
And time went by and the boy came back with sadness in his eyes.
"My life has turned so cold," he says, "and I need sunny days."
"I’ve nothing but my trunk," he says, "But you can cut it down
And build yourself a boat and sail away."
And so he did and
Oh, the tree was happy.
Oh, the tree was glad.
And after years the boy came back, both of them were old.
"I really cannot help you if you ask for another gift."
"I’m nothing but an old stump now. I’m sorry but I’ve nothing more to give"
"I do not need very much now, just a quiet place to rest,"
The boy, he whispered, with a weary smile.
"Well", said the tree, "An old stump is still good for that."
"Come, boy", he said, "Sit down, sit down and rest a while."
And so he did and
Oh, the trees was happy.
Oh, the tree was glad.
Monday, June 13, 2005
Stupid Death Week
I absolutely can not wait for Stupid Death Week 2005 to come to a close. I hate the second week of June. Every year recent college graduates, or prom-goers, or high school kids do something stupid like drink and drive, or just drive too fast, or drop acid and do a handstand off a balcony. Although, actually, it's more like a two-week period of time. Somehow Stupid Death Fortnight doesn't sound right.
Sarcasm aside, it's absolutely heart-breaking. They're always so young and hopeful, on the verge of independence and adventures. Sigh...
Sarcasm aside, it's absolutely heart-breaking. They're always so young and hopeful, on the verge of independence and adventures. Sigh...
Wednesday, June 08, 2005
This is for the Gabs
Monday, June 06, 2005
This Great Book
The Fat Girls Guide to Life by Wendy Shanker absolutely rocks my world. Run, don't walk, to your nearest bookstore and buy yourself a copy. Go, now! Why are you still reading this? Well, since you are still here, here's a sneak preview...
"You're telling me my fat ass presents a bigger threat to mankind than SADDAM HUSSEIN?"
p. 112
"Do you understand? Humans are so nuts about hunger that when push comes to shove WE WILL EAT EACH OTHER. Now, I've had a binge or two, but at least I've never chewed the leg off my next-door neighbor."
p.123
"Ah, yes. Gwynnie. When ex-boyfriend Ben Affleck said that Gwyneth Paltrow is 'actually the funny, down-to-earth fat girl in the beautiful girl's body,' I nearly stabbed myself."
p. 172
You'll laugh, you'll cry, and you might even really dig her Weight Watchers conspiracy theory. Why does everything keep coming back to conspiracy theories?
"You're telling me my fat ass presents a bigger threat to mankind than SADDAM HUSSEIN?"
p. 112
"Do you understand? Humans are so nuts about hunger that when push comes to shove WE WILL EAT EACH OTHER. Now, I've had a binge or two, but at least I've never chewed the leg off my next-door neighbor."
p.123
"Ah, yes. Gwynnie. When ex-boyfriend Ben Affleck said that Gwyneth Paltrow is 'actually the funny, down-to-earth fat girl in the beautiful girl's body,' I nearly stabbed myself."
p. 172
You'll laugh, you'll cry, and you might even really dig her Weight Watchers conspiracy theory. Why does everything keep coming back to conspiracy theories?
Wednesday, June 01, 2005
Heartbreak: Month 4
Heartbreak: Month 4
Well, now... As I sit down to write this entry, I feel like it may be the last heartbreak update I feel compelled to write. It's been four months, during which I went through all the stages: sadness, denial, anger, Ben and Jerry's, distraction, back to anger, sadness again, then some more anger with the anger, you know?
According to my calculations, Stephen and I logged a grand total of 12.5 hours on the phone in the last four months. In only 12.5 hours, I learned more about the sudden, unexpected end of a relationship I believed had the power to last for the rest of my life. I came to terms with losing half my family, which, ultimately, will be my biggest loss of all in the long run, I think. I'd like to think that's true for both of us, that he feels a sense of loss when it comes to my family, and friends who are like family, too. In 12.5 hours, I got answers to my questions. Then I got the REAL answers to my questions, and I did a lot of screaming.
Well, now... As I sit down to write this entry, I feel like it may be the last heartbreak update I feel compelled to write. It's been four months, during which I went through all the stages: sadness, denial, anger, Ben and Jerry's, distraction, back to anger, sadness again, then some more anger with the anger, you know?
According to my calculations, Stephen and I logged a grand total of 12.5 hours on the phone in the last four months. In only 12.5 hours, I learned more about the sudden, unexpected end of a relationship I believed had the power to last for the rest of my life. I came to terms with losing half my family, which, ultimately, will be my biggest loss of all in the long run, I think. I'd like to think that's true for both of us, that he feels a sense of loss when it comes to my family, and friends who are like family, too. In 12.5 hours, I got answers to my questions. Then I got the REAL answers to my questions, and I did a lot of screaming.
Oof. The screaming. I'm not proud of this, okay? But in the last conversation we had, I started out all pathetic, (but in witty, perky sort of way.) And, quite unexpectedly- even I didn't see this coming- I turned into the dinosaur from Jurassic Park that busts out a reptilian neck ruffle and spews paralytic venom, like, everywhere.
It was ugly. But I had to make sure that the dream we had of physically being in the same city, one where we could both work on the difficult, creative crafts we had chosen for ourselves, was never going to happen. I had to try. I had to ask, out loud. I had to KNOW. It was that goal that's kept me here. It wasn't only that, but it was a big part of it. It's over. And I'm done now. In so many more ways than one. I'm just... done. the space where are all the anger was feels empty now. Like it's ready to be filled up with something else.
It was ugly. But I had to make sure that the dream we had of physically being in the same city, one where we could both work on the difficult, creative crafts we had chosen for ourselves, was never going to happen. I had to try. I had to ask, out loud. I had to KNOW. It was that goal that's kept me here. It wasn't only that, but it was a big part of it. It's over. And I'm done now. In so many more ways than one. I'm just... done. the space where are all the anger was feels empty now. Like it's ready to be filled up with something else.
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