Time: The Present
Place: A garden apartment on a small Mediterranean island that is not recognized as an independent nation-state by the UN
Cancer, (yes, the disease)
Cameron from Ferris Bueller's Day Off
and the cast of the 1996 movie Twister, including Helen Hunt, Bill Paxton, Cary Elwes, The Hot British Actor Who Played the Evil Dr. Jonas Miller in "Twister," But Who Was Also Wesley in "The Princess Bride"
As our scene opens, Helen Hunt is bustling around setting the table in the cool, efficient manner that all of her fictional characters (except for Lynne Stone, the "bad influence" friend in "Girls Just Want to Have Fun") seem to exude. She is preparing a meal, which consists of Cheerios, organic black tea, steamed cruciferous veggies, and any other foods that in no way make one susceptible to cancer. As the FDA's expert opinions on what defines "cancer-preventative foods" is constantly changing, feel free to imagine the plates continually filling with one type of food, such as boneless, skinless chicken breasts, which then disappear, and refill with broiled salmon filets.
Cameron is sipping water from a glass goblet and crunching the ice with his front teeth. Bill Paxton is standing in the corner talking on a cell phone with his head cocked to the right, the only reliable way to get cell phone reception. The rest of the Twister cast is sitting side-by-side checking the latest weather reports as their laptops fry their reproductive organs.
Helen Hunt returns to the kitchen to chop broccoli, (which is the only cruciferous vegetable I can think of at the moment.) Dana Carvey is sitting on the counter crooning, "She CHOPS! She CHOPS! She's chopping BROCCO-LAY!!"
There's knock at the door. The Most Hated of All Dinner Guests- Cancer- has arrived. Cancer, an crone old of a woman with a deep, terrible, fake tanning-bed tan, enters the apartment with an air of malevolance, lighting a fresh unfiltered cigarette with one hand as another is still smoldering as it dangles the corner of her mouth. Some of the smoke seeps out of the hole in her neck. Her bronze skin is wrinkled like leather, and as she exhales a wisp of smoke curls out of the tracheotomy hole in her neck.
Cancer surveys the room, before removing the cigarette and spitting chewing tobacco juice on the floor. She greets Bill Paxton, who is shouting "ME, JO! You've got ME!" into his cell phone. He has been on so long that phone has actually grown hot against his ear. "That's my boy!" she wheezes, as she pulls an old fashioned perfume spritzer from her purse, labeled "Chemo." She mists it in her general direction, but manages to nail Dana Garvey over her shoulder. He runs to the bathroom to throw up. His hair falls out en route.
Cameron offers Cancer a glass of water.
"I brought my own," Cancer states, as she pulls a Shasta out of her purse. "Unless that's water from the well in the town where Julia Roberts sues the polluting corporation while wearing a balconette demi-bra and a thong?" she asks. [Dana Carvey weakly shouts SCHWING! from the bathroom.]
Helen tells her that it's Evian. Cancer shakes her head. "Ah, Shasta it is then. I ask you, what's the good in showing off your breasts unless they're leaking silicone?" The Hot British Actor Who Played the Evil Dr. Jonas Miller in "Twister," But Who Was Also Wesley in "The Princess Bride" looks up from his laptop. "There's shortage of perfect breasts in this world. It would be a shame to ruin hers."
Helen Hunt serves the steamed vegetables. Cancer glares at her plate before sprinking her entire portion with Aspartame sweetener she has pulled from her purse, then digs in. Helen scowls, then replaces Cancer's veggie plate with an entree of broiled salmon. Cancer leans forward and sniffs her filet. She beams and takes a big bite. "Freshwater salmon from an American-Indian reservation," she explains, as she dabs her mouth with a napkin. "Mostly mercury anyway."
"That's IT!" Helen Hunt stands suddenly, knocking her chair over. "You BITCH!" She throws her plate against the wall. She advances on Cancer, who merely blinks: "Who the hell do you think you are?" Cary Wells (Hot British Actor Who Plays the Evil Dr. Jonas Miller in Twister But Who Also- forget it, you know the rest) also gets to his feet.
"NO!" Helen Hunt shouts at him, doing her lines from the um, "climax" of Twister: "WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?!" She points at Cancer. "You've never seen it miss this house, and miss that house, and come after you! You just f*ck everything up for everyone! That whole "What Cancer Can Not Do" thing is B*LLSHIT! It's B*LLSHIT! HOW MANY TIMES DO PEOPLE HAVE TO-" She turns to Cary Wells (HBAWPTEDJMITBWAPWITPB- you know that really isn't shorter): "WHAT?!?"
"Right," he says composedly. "Um, I just wanted to tell you all, despite the romantic fantasies you've all been carrying since you first saw the Princess Bride, that I am gay."
"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" screams Helen Hunt, the way Cameron does in Ferris Bueller when he realized that his father's car has been driven around by the skanky valet guys. "Isn't that my line?" Cameron asks, then shrugs and starts making with Cary/Wesley.
At this, Helen loses her temper in a hopping rage, then disappears in a puff of smoke like Rumplstiltskin. Cancer smiles slowly, then calls out to Bill Paxton, still on the cell phone in the corner: "Does your phone have a camera in it, sweetie?" She rasps. "My lady friends back at the clinic are going to DIE when they see this!"