Jackass of the Month

So Joel (who is NOT the Jackass of the Month, by the way) has this very cool medieval suit of armor that he got for free a few years ago because he has nice, interesting friends. We were invited to a Halloween party, and he wanted to wear it. So I decided it might be fun to be the Lady of Shalott. I love the poem, love the painting, planned my color scheme of my freshman dorm room around the poster. So I got a lantern, figured I'd carry a book of Alfred Lord Tennyson poems and some yarn, and asked if I could borrow a gold, circlet thing from one of his nice, interesting female friends to wear around my head. Fine, fine, fine.

So last Monday, I went to a costume shop, found a decent period dress costume I could make work, tried it on... It was okay. I had to try a couple of corsets and underdresses and such on before I found something workable. It took a while, and we all know how I just LOOOOVE trying on clothes anyway. Especially clothes other people have worn, like, a LOT. The costume guy kept recommending this dark one with a rose pattern that made me look like a couch. I wasn't irrationally insisting on an off-white dress with bell sleeves like the one in the painting, which they didn't have anyway. I just didn't want to look like a couch.

I finally found a costume that only worked because the off-white gathered underdress thingy showed off my boobs. I didn't look like a couch. A small loveseat, maybe, but not a couch. Still, I was hoping to find something a little more flattering, so I didn't want to put down a deposit if I didn't have to. The Costume Shop Guy was like, "No problem, I'll set it aside in the back for you. Give me a call tomorrow before 8 p.m. and let me know what you decide."

Great. I look in the phonebook, look around on the Internet, can't find a way to locate anything better without it costing a fortune, call the guy back and offer to give him a credit card number for the $20 deposit. "No problem," he says. "I remember you. You were funny. Just come in on Thursday or Friday. You can bring it back on Monday or Tuesday, whatever." Great, thanks.

Friday afternoon, I, Our Idiosyncratic Heroine, walk into the Costume Shop.

OIH: Hi. Um, I'm here to pick up the costume I tried on a few days ago.
JoTM: (blankly) Your name?
OIH: I'm Idiosyncratic Girl? The one with the Ren Fair style dress? We spoke on Tuesday?
JoTM: Oh, right. I remember you. Let me think about where it is.
OIH: You said you'd put it in the back?
JoTM: Yeah, I never got around to doing that. But I'm not worried about it. I haven't rented any of those out, so I'm sure it's here.
OIH: Ah. Yes. Well... Let's look.

And it isn't easy. I tried on a bunch on things when I was there before, and we were mixing and matching, and I don't have time to do it again.

OIH: It was blue with an off-white underdress thingy. A Chamois.
JoTM: It's called a CHENISE.
OIH: Oh, right. Sorry.
JoTM: Here it is.
OIH: That's green.
JoTM: Oh, you said blue. (holds up small one)
OIH: Nope, that's the one that was too small.
JoTM: Oh yeah. You needed one of the three bigger sizes.
OIH: Riiiight. (hurriedly looking through racks now) How do I know which one the bigger ones are?
JoTM: They look bigger than the others. Here's the rose-patterned one I think is pretty, but you were like, "Ewww."
OIH: Yeah, well... I just want to look, you know... Er, never mind
JoTM: It's the Friday before Halloween. What do you want from me?
OIH: I want the one I tried on on Monday, that you said you'd put in the back for me.
JoTM: Sorry. You want to go as an animal?
OIH: Not really. Let me look around a little. What... What's this?
JoTM: It's Little Miss Muffet.
OIH: So this butt-pillow thing is her tuffet?
JoTM: I guess.
OIH: Okay, well... Maybe I'll go to Party City and... what time do you close?
JoTM: PARTY CITY?!?! How can you even say that to me? I can't even look at you anymore.

Ack.

I fled. I went to Torrid. I improvised.. I called the boyfriend: "I am going to be a faerie, and you are going to like it." He did.

Except my corset and wings were pretty restrictive... and Joel couldn't drive and wear his armor, because he couldn't turn his head. We stopped at a 7-11 down the street from the house where the party was and buckeled and tied each other into our costumes in between fits of laughter (mine). He won second place for best costume, so that was fun. This very nice, but a rather dim 20-year-old dressed as a Sexy Nurse said, "Aw! He's your knight in shining armor! Next year you have to be his fairy princess!" I looked her right in the eye, then leaned over and threw up in the big bowl of hummus.

No, not really. Instead, I said something like, "No offense, but that is never, ever going to happen. I tried to be a tragic female Arthurian character this year. It, uh, wasn't meant to be."

I love Halloween. :)