Greetings from Hell

The power has been out in my apartment for 28 hours and counting. Last night it went out around 8 p.m., long before a severe thunderstorm blew through and knocked out even more power for more customers around 11 p.m..

Through it all, however, the uber-wealthy towns of Brarsdale and Sconxville continue to brightly gleam their gleamy glow of wealth and, well, power. Call me a conspiracy theorist, but the only towns that lost electricity BEFORE the storm knocked down power lines last night were Poor (sic) Chester, Yonkers, and Mt. Vernon. Oddly enough, when power came back on in Yonkers, Port Chester went out, when Port Chester came back on Mt. Vernon went out. Rolling black-outs for the not-so-privileged classes, anyone? Just as long as Muffy St. Moneybags can keep her cucumbers pre-chilled for poolside pampering before departing for the Hamptons. Remember when I went through my Marxist stage in college? Well, FRANKLY, I think I'm regressing.

Then again, I'm lying naked (sorry for the mental image) on my kitchen floor in the dark with a glass of lukewarm Gatorade for the second night in a row. Pretty soon, I may start hallucinating that I'm waltzing around a ballroom with Che Guevara, planning to overthrow the government. Any government at this point, as long as they have electricity in my cell in the Hague while I await my trial.

Of course, the darkness gives me a chance to admire all the little Day-Glo pawprints on my hardwood floors. Yesterday, before the power went out, the pets got into Joel's bags of paintballs. Apparently, they've given up on their quest to storm the Closet of Enchantment and Mystery, where the Dread Vacuum (and bag of spare dog food) dwells and turned their attention to the Other Closet. So I come home, locate my flashlight using the glow from my laptop, and wonder how the hell all these bath beads got on the floor when I don't even OWN bath beads.

Me: Guys? Where did all the little squashed balls of goo come from?
Bella: (yawns and stretches) An artist's work is never valued in her own lifetime.
Me: Look, you're preachin' to the choir. That creative shot I busted my ass for yesterday is lining some old lady's parakeet cage today. (swinging flashlight around apt) What the-?
Fred: (caught in beam of light, spies his own shadow): MOW! Kitty! Big black looming kitty!
Me: Dude, it's your shadow.
Fred: Pounce! RROW!
Me: SHA-DOW. It's you, only.. You know what? Never mind, just don't hurt yourself. What IS this stuff? WHY IS IT GLOWING? (stumbling over big bag of paintballs) A-HA! Am I going to have to call that ASPCA poison control hotline again? You're damn lucky the old landline phone works without a plug, dog.
Bella: It's non-toxic. I'm sure it will give me Day-Glo diarrhea, but don't I look so cute and vulnerable with my sad, cuddly-wuddums eyebrows?
Me: Save it.
Fred (running around room while I use the flashlight to locate paper towels): KITTY! I SEE YOU, BIG BLACK LOOMING KITTY!

When I got home from work, the electricity had just gone out about five minutes before. All of the food in my fridge was still good, and I was hopeful the lights would come back on in time for the much discussed Queer Eye episode. Five hours later, I was hauling both Princess Picasso and her deranged cat down three stories to sit in my air-conditioned car, so they wouldn't, you know, die and stuff.

Today it wasn't nearly as hot, only about 78 degrees compared to 99 the day before. My landlords fired up their generator and said I could plug in one thing, but not my air conditioner. :( So I opted for a fan while periodically charging my laptop, which I can use to post this entry over the landline. Of course, they have to occasionally shut off the generator to give it more propane, and they aren't running it overnight, but I'm not exactly Laura Ingalls Wilder here, you know?

Big black loomy kitty is right behind you, Fred! Run! Run away!



Plus, the shadow my fan makes on the ceiling is pretty cool. Who needs TV?



This one's for you, Con Edison.

Insomnia

It's 4:00 a.m. Can't sleep. It's too hot. I'm editing the photos Joel is sending from his trip via both email and snail mail. He's doing really great work out there. I miss him, and not just because he takes out the trash, does the dishes, and walks the dog late at night. You all can look at this here purty picture while I count some more sheep.

(Sheep #104 is excited to be getting the work. Apparently people drop off usually drop off around #30.)

Another Plug for Bravo

So with all the Project Runway watching I'm doing, I keep seeing this commercial for an upcoming episode of Queer Eye featuring my friends. Well, Joel's friends. Mine too, now, I suppose.

Fab Five aside for a sec, I wonder exactly when it is that your Significant Other's friends become yours, or vice versa. I think we've made the crossover, actually. Right before Joel left on his trip, we had dinner at his/our friends' house, and I shared a sausage-on-a-bun with someone. I think when you end up finishing someone's chorizo while feeling comfortable enough to make penis jokes about it, you can officially think of that person as YOUR friend. Also, Michael invited Joel to crash with him and Kelly at their place in Dayton on his first night heading west, AND he invited both Joel and Joel's dad to stay with them on their way back. So....yeah. Plus, Kelly had to knock on the door to check on Joel after he slipped in her new shower. There's a blurring of the friendship line there, after something like that. It's a good thing.

Anyway, remember this guy? Who had to swat the soccer ball off the cover of my landlords' empty pool over Memorial Day?

Yeah, so he gets a makeover and proposes to Tanii. This is the two of them, pre-Queer Eye experience. He pretty much looks the same, except he loses the ponytail on the show and hasn't grown it back.

They're a cute couple. Bravo was REALLY looking for a gamer/live-action-role-player to make over. Which Eric is, but he hasn't really been active in his medieval group for a year or so. The show really wanted to get him dueling or whatever; I don't know. I'm anxious to see the episode. I wasn't able to go, because all the "friends and family" have to RSVP to the producers ahead of time and swear on their lives not to wear clothing with logos on them. I had agreed to shoot a wedding that day for the Rich Bitch Who Punked Out On Me with Four Days Notice.

Also, I don't have medieval garb. There's a woman in the medieval group who makes really nice custom costumes. She made Tanii's outfit for the big moment. I'd buy something from this woman, but she prefers to barter rather than accept money. Which is totally cool. I offered to photograph some of her pieces for a brochure or catalogue or whatever, but she said she'd rather have me install her new kitchen flooring, which... WTF? No garb for me, then. Thanks anyway.

Anyway, I know Eric is worried that they're going to make him look stupid, and apparently Carson makes him wear pants with shields or royal lions or something on them. They had a good time, but I think the whole experience was more than they bargained for. You have to move out for a week. You have to pay really high taxes ($12,000+) on all the furniture, clothes, etc. Your apartment looks great for the reveal, because they deliver the floor models. Two days later, they take it all back and you have to wait six weeks for the actual stuff to get delivered.

In any case, Project Runway fans, when you see the Queer Eye promo that refers to a "straight squire" becoming "a knight in shining armor" and you hear Tom say "'Welcome to the knights of the round coffee table!' VO: Then Carson gets his head stuck in some armor"- that's them.

Oh, and out of curiousity, what was the moment you knew you made the Significant Other friendship cross-over?

Tim Gunn! Tim Gunn! If he calls your name, you're done!

Hellooo, Project Runway. How are you? I am so happy you're back on TV.

Yes, you are a reality show. No, I have no interest in fashion. AT All. Yes, I have to be at Pest Woint's Dedia May at Stupid O'Clock in the morning. But I can not turn you off. People are making "hats" out of baskets! And The Sternum!* It commands me to watch! I can't turn away!

*Please, please, get on Metro-North and come to my house. I will make you a sandwich. Please, God. I'm terrified for you.