Oh, Lordy, there is a baby boom happening all around me. I have two pregnant co-workers, plus a new dad co-worker. I'm helping plan a baby shower for one of my extended-friend-family members, although we may have to reschedule due to forces of nature. (STAY IN THERE, BABY. Just hang out in there until your mom or her doctor says it's okay to come out! CAN YOU HEAR ME?!? STAY. Good baby.) Hey, it works for dogs. And anyway, I am pro-baby, for other people. Yay, other people!
So with all the expectant ladies (and certainly, definitely, totally some-day-real soon, enjoy-your-romantic-restaurant-date and please-pass-the-mango-ice-cream future expectant lady), I'm finding myself at Babies R Us. Like, a lot.
Which? Can I JUST say? Is a scary, confusing, intimidating warehouse of contraptions that bounce, spin, buzz, warm, sterilize and suck milk out of you. OH MY GOD. I have never felt more like a single childless lady. This is me wandering around the store, right?
"Okay. Okay okay. Six pages of registry here. La la la. I can do this. Like wedding registries. Here we go. Ah yes. "KOALA BABY SWDLR RC BLKT-Ecru. Wants: 1 Has: 0." Aw, let's get that. I like koalas; it's the right price range. BLKT probably means blanket? Sure, it does. I had Lovey, a security blanket that started out as a sheet in my crib. I took the shredded remains of it to college. Aw, yes, let's buy co-worker's future baby a Lovey. Okay. Koalas. Looking for koalas. No koalas. Lots of princess-y items, lots of trains and soft, light blue sporting goods. Stuffed bees. I'm not looking for bees. Aw, look, at the fuzzy purple octopus theme. That would be cute for my eventual future niece or nephew, since my sister and brother-in-law have that mildly nauseating but sweet cuttlefish/cuddlefish nickname thing going on. NO! Focus. Focus on the koalas. Only... Oh. Wait. Koala Baby is a BRAND. Huh. Look at that. And they make sheets! Sheets are like blankets! This might be the right aisle. Dut dut dah- bassinet sheet, fitted sheet, cradle sheet, crib sheet. Crib sheet! Yes, please! Someone come help me cheat!
So, okay. RC BLKT. That probably means "receiving blanket." Sure. Okay. Here we go. Koala Baby aisle. Blankets. Snuggler blanket. Goody. No. The registry says SWDLER. That probably means... swaddler, not swindler. Definitely not snuggler. Who knows ecru? I know ecru. Ecru is a bridesmaid color. Now I have that Passover game in my head. Who knows eight? I know eight! Eight are the days to circumcision. GAH. I don't want to think about circumcision in Babies R Us. OH MY GOD, I HAVE BEEN IN HERE FOR 45 MINUTES AND I JUST WANT TO FIND A KOALA BABY SWADDLER BLANKET IN ECRU.
Fearing I might be minutes away from grabbing a security blanket for myself and finding a nice corner where I can suck my thumb, I took a detour over to cards and picked out a congrats! card for Andrea. Ah, look at the Clearance Plush Toys. Clearance means I could get one or two. Baby's First Easter Bunny? Eh- not so much. A bear with "Gift from God" embroidered on a heart? Nope, not for this baby shower. Too bad Babies R Us doesn't sell "Baby's First Hindu Prayer Book" or "That was a GREAT rebirth!" onsies. Even a "Gift from Gods" Bear would be better. Screw it, back to Linens.
In the end, salvation came in the form of a sales associate named Deepak, coincindentally enough. He helped me staple my two separate registries. He guided me away from the Confusing Linen Aisle Hell to Infant Care. He reeeally wanted to see me a diaper wipe warmer. A wipe warmer? Really? "This is on her registry" he says, pointing to something called "My Brest Friend." WHA-? No. Just no. This is my Best Co-Worker. We're friends, but we're work friends, you know, with the working? Together? I am not getting her ANYTHING that says "Breast" on it. Especially if it's spelled wrong. No.
Aren't there any hooded towels around here? I love the cute baby towels with the hoods. Sigh...
Two hours and $50 later, I fled from the store, shoving birth control pills in my mouth like Tic Tacs.