Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Babies R Ev'rywhere

Oh, Lordy, there is a baby boom happening all around me. I have two pregnant co-workers, plus a new dad co-worker. I'm helping plan a baby shower for one of my extended-friend-family members, although we may have to reschedule due to forces of nature. (STAY IN THERE, BABY. Just hang out in there until your mom or her doctor says it's okay to come out! CAN YOU HEAR ME?!? STAY. Good baby.) Hey, it works for dogs. And anyway, I am pro-baby, for other people. Yay, other people!

So with all the expectant ladies (and certainly, definitely, totally some-day-real soon, enjoy-your-romantic-restaurant-date and please-pass-the-mango-ice-cream future expectant lady), I'm finding myself at Babies R Us. Like, a lot.

Which? Can I JUST say? Is a scary, confusing, intimidating warehouse of contraptions that bounce, spin, buzz, warm, sterilize and suck milk out of you. OH MY GOD. I have never felt more like a single childless lady. This is me wandering around the store, right?

"Okay. Okay okay. Six pages of registry here. La la la. I can do this. Like wedding registries. Here we go. Ah yes. "KOALA BABY SWDLR RC BLKT-Ecru. Wants: 1 Has: 0." Aw, let's get that. I like koalas; it's the right price range. BLKT probably means blanket? Sure, it does. I had Lovey, a security blanket that started out as a sheet in my crib. I took the shredded remains of it to college. Aw, yes, let's buy co-worker's future baby a Lovey. Okay. Koalas. Looking for koalas. No koalas. Lots of princess-y items, lots of trains and soft, light blue sporting goods. Stuffed bees. I'm not looking for bees. Aw, look, at the fuzzy purple octopus theme. That would be cute for my eventual future niece or nephew, since my sister and brother-in-law have that mildly nauseating but sweet cuttlefish/cuddlefish nickname thing going on. NO! Focus. Focus on the koalas. Only... Oh. Wait. Koala Baby is a BRAND. Huh. Look at that. And they make sheets! Sheets are like blankets! This might be the right aisle. Dut dut dah- bassinet sheet, fitted sheet, cradle sheet, crib sheet. Crib sheet! Yes, please! Someone come help me cheat!

So, okay. RC BLKT. That probably means "receiving blanket." Sure. Okay. Here we go. Koala Baby aisle. Blankets. Snuggler blanket. Goody. No. The registry says SWDLER. That probably means... swaddler, not swindler. Definitely not snuggler. Who knows ecru? I know ecru. Ecru is a bridesmaid color. Now I have that Passover game in my head. Who knows eight? I know eight! Eight are the days to circumcision. GAH. I don't want to think about circumcision in Babies R Us. OH MY GOD, I HAVE BEEN IN HERE FOR 45 MINUTES AND I JUST WANT TO FIND A KOALA BABY SWADDLER BLANKET IN ECRU.


Fearing I might be minutes away from grabbing a security blanket for myself and finding a nice corner where I can suck my thumb, I took a detour over to cards and picked out a congrats! card for Andrea. Ah, look at the Clearance Plush Toys. Clearance means I could get one or two. Baby's First Easter Bunny? Eh- not so much. A bear with "Gift from God" embroidered on a heart? Nope, not for this baby shower. Too bad Babies R Us doesn't sell "Baby's First Hindu Prayer Book" or "That was a GREAT rebirth!" onsies. Even a "Gift from Gods" Bear would be better. Screw it, back to Linens.

In the end, salvation came in the form of a sales associate named Deepak, coincindentally enough. He helped me staple my two separate registries. He guided me away from the Confusing Linen Aisle Hell to Infant Care. He reeeally wanted to see me a diaper wipe warmer. A wipe warmer? Really? "This is on her registry" he says, pointing to something called "My Brest Friend." WHA-? No. Just no. This is my Best Co-Worker. We're friends, but we're work friends, you know, with the working? Together? I am not getting her ANYTHING that says "Breast" on it. Especially if it's spelled wrong. No.

Aren't there any hooded towels around here? I love the cute baby towels with the hoods. Sigh...


Two hours and $50 later, I fled from the store, shoving birth control pills in my mouth like Tic Tacs.

9 comments:

Alissa said...

omg. That place is so difficult to navigate. After a summer of baby-present-buying last year, I learned how to do it.
Step 1: Print out registry.
Step 2: Scan list, decide what to buy
Step 3: Grab closest sales associate, shove registry at them, say "Please take me to this item."

Seriously, there is no other way. None. Do not even bother trying. Is impossible.

shannon said...

Ha! I usually go straight for the bottles or diapers and get those, because it's easier for me to figure out -- and I HAVE a child. When I did my registry, my friend Grace (Gaby's godmother) had to take me in the Babies R Us by the hand and walk aisle by aisle with me, zapping things with the little gun.
"You need this"
"Why?"
"I don't know, you just do."
(As an aside, you're not supposed to use wipe warmers, because they breed bacteria. I used cloth wipes with Gabs at home and threw them in the wash with the diapers. I may need to rethink the whole "going to use disposables this time" thing.)

Becky said...

Can I just add a comment about the Hell that is Babies R Us? I'm heading there tonight, I think. What is it with all the pastels? I've never been in a place with so few bold colors to be found!

And to think that babies can't really see pastels at all. Ironic, isn't it?

Lauren said...

That is my ultimate nightmare. For reals. Scarier even than mimes and/or Evil Clowns.

Ayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

Jillian said...

Oh my god- that was our experience almost a year and a half ago, when darling Ava came a month early and we being the Super Aunts had to go buy all the things that Nik's sister Kari and brother-in-law hadn't gotten yet, because there was supposed to be a baby shower a week later. It took us FOREVER, and it's a good thing Nik was very good about sticking to the list- because I would have bought EVERYTHING- you know, just in case they might someday need it once. Seriously, it's worse than Home Depot- and don't get me started on Home Depot... that's Nik's job to go to Home Depot whenever we need anything other than plants or new pretty knobs for things.

Now that Kari's pregnant again (!!) we at least know that even if this little one comes early, that they will have the basics. And we hope this one is early because he is supposed to make his world debut just a couple days before Thanksgiving. And we will be in Atlanta for Thanksgiving visiting my brother and sister-in-law.

I refuse to go back to Babies R Us for anything- I will buy all baby gifts online or at some other yet to be found fabulous baby store!!!!!

cindy w said...

You do realize that you can get all of the Babies R Us stuff online, right? Their website is part of Amazon.com. Couldn't be easier.

I've been in an actual Babies R Us store a grand total of once, the day after I found out that I was pregnant. Mostly I just looked at cribs and nursery themes and tried to wrap my head around this whole "baby" idea. Three weeks later, I'm still not there - it just doesn't feel real.

I've been told that I'm going to have to do a registry at some point. I'm terrified. I had to get drunk to create our wedding registry, and that isn't even an option this time. What to do?!

Jillian said...

Hey Shannon (and Ang- I'm not sure if I told you about these- but since you know so many pregnant woman- you might want to pass this along!)

I'm one of Angie's friends from college. I saw your comment about the disposable diapers... I recently heard of these diapers that you can flush - gentler on the enviroment than regular disposables.

www.gdiapers.com

I don't know anyone personally who has used them and I don't have kids yet, but it was exciting to see that there is an alternative to either disposable or cloth diapers.

Chunky Photojournalist Barbie said...

Yeah, I could totally order everything online. The thing was, I got out of work a little earlier than expected, and Babies R Us is between my office and the entrance to the highway I use to get home... It was RIGHT THERE! So easy! Except... not.

Plus, and this probably warrants an entry of its own, but I absolutely HATE going to a superstore and leaving without the thing I need. It's one thing if the item is out of stock or the store doesn't carry it. But I can't stand it when I know the item I need is here somewhere, and no one is willing or competent enough help me find it. Actually, Jilly, Home Depot is the biggest culprit of all for me.

It's like, "ALL I need is a strap wrench in THIS size to replace THAT kind of of shower head. I KNOW you have it! The guy at customer service said you have 15 of them. I AM NOT LEAVING WITHOUT MY STRAP WRENCH!"

shannon said...

Hi Jillian,
I hadn't seen those before, but that is an interesting concept! :) I sort of subscribe to the "I hate wearing pads so why would my baby want his/her butt in paper and plastic all day long?" school of thought that has less to do with the environment (sadly) and more to do with sheer comfort. But that is another alternative for me to consider.