Thursday, February 03, 2005

SPOILER WARNING: I am posting this entry exactly as it appeared when I first wrote it 72 hours ago. This does not end well.

Ah. Well. You made it back. Home, sweet leafygreen.blogspot, home. How've you been this past year? With apologies to Scott for usurping his favorite catch-up question, what have you learned? :) Stick around, I'm going to take a shot it myself in a few paragraphs.

If you've been hanging around, of course, then you're probably one of the 10 people I speak to regularly. I know there a few lurkers and old friends with whom this blog affords me the opportunity to listen more than I talk when I do finally see them. In theory.

Of course, if you were particularly moved by my letter to my 13-year-old self or want to read 2004 all over again, please do visit

So it's after 5 a.m. and I'm watching Meet Joe Black on WAM! It's not great, as movies go. I know the ending (because Melissa saw it in 1998 and told me all about it, which I of course remember.) But mostly I wonder about Jennifer Aniston. I suppose her break-up with Brad Pitt isn't surprising as Hollywood endings go, but I can't help but wonder if she isn't wearing sweatpants somewhere, and eating Ben and Jerry's, and watching WAM! at 5 a.m. and thinking, "There's the man I married. Pretending to be the Grim Reaper in a suit. Now he's... getting naked. Acting like he's having sex with a woman who's not me- Need. More. Ice cream. DO WE HAVE ANY MORE ICE CREAM?" Or maybe she's all: "I can't believe I fell for someone who would make a movie like Meet Joe Black. What was I THINKING? I should go out drinking with Gwyneth Paltrow."

So what about that meltdown of mine, eh? Yeah. I had this... weird... experience where my best friend here was abducted by aliens and given a brain transplant. Seriously, it was like Invasion of the Body Snatchers around here last week. So the person I really connected with and trusted who made Stepford bearable? Nutty nutty fruitcake.

So I was so upset, and I had this moment of clarity. I'm not happy here in Stepford. I have nothing to keep me here- no real friends, no real loyalty to anything that's shown loyalty, or even courtesy, back to me.

So deciding to overhaul your life is hard. Realizing you have no reason to stay where you are is hard. My stomach was twisted up in knots all the time, and I was waking up feeling bad, trying to remember why I felt so awful. And then... I had a good listen, one that helped me to see that I am not the Bad Person my ex-friend thinks I am.

Stephen is the love of my life. Boston is where he needs to be, and it's been three years since I've had the pleasure of seeing him every day, even every week. It won't happen tomorrow, or even next month, but waiting for my real life to begin means I'm not living my best life now. I have a HUGE list of a lot of things that need to happen in order for me to go, but I'm putting check marks on that list every day.


Twenty-four hours after composing this entry, about a week after deciding to go to Boston, Stephen drove down here and broke up with me. It’s not temporary, it's not a Next Big Step-related freakout. It's real, and it's over, and it's not at all what I want.

Should I try to go out drinking with Gwyneth Paltrow?

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