So.... I was just chatting with Jason online, and we started talking about job hunting. I have the opportunity to apply for a job in Florida at a very good newspaper where I have connections. And I am scared. I don't know what my problem is. It's just another job application, another portfolio sent out into the Anticipation Abyss of Doom, where a whole lot of portfolios go and never seem to get a response... (Which is good actually, because in the new business, if you send a portolfio out and it doesn't get sent back it might mean that it got someone's attention and they are keeping it for future reference, or else it means that they threw it away, but anyway- Many portfolios have gone out and only three have been returned, so I prefer to think that many of them are being kept for one reason or another.)

Anyway, I don't know why I just don't apply for it. On one hand, I am making a living being self-employed and the thing I really want- a staff job on the East Coast in the vicinity of Boston, NYC or DC or anywhere else I have friends/relations/acquaintances- seems like it could be just around the corner. Like, I just have to pay my dues freelancing for AP and it's only a matter of time until my contacts there (who genuinely seem to believe in my vision) help me get a job with them.

On the other hand, I just want to get started, to work in a community and practice my craft and live my passion. So... is waiting for the right opportunity an impractical idea? And why am I scared to apply for things like the job in FLA? I am only applying, and I can always turn them down if I should get it (although that wouldn't be wise because one of my profs is going to bat for me and it's a small business, the world of photojournalism, so turning them down would be very unwise) but I am getting WAAAAAY ahead of myself here. Sigh....

And then I have to ask myself, what is it that I am really afraid of? I think I am afraid of moving far away from my loving network and community of friends, boyfriend and family, etc. I think I might be miserable and lonely in a place like Florida or Texas. Some jobs I don;t apply for because they are in really ridiculous places that I would never want to live, like Fargo, ND or Iowa. But some jobs, like the one in Florida, I don't want to apply for because, well, like I said, I guess I am just afraid.

I am never known myself to be a weenie. Or at least I try not to be a weenie.

so tired.. Why am I awake? Why? Why? Why am I blogging? Why am I online? I drove four hundred miles from Boston. I have to work in the morning, and I desperately need to shower before I do so. Why am I online? Someone, please, stop me from ordering a $159 necklance from Femail Creations. I don't have that kind of money right now. Help...

Up...late...shopping.... This is why malls close. Okay. I have not yet purchased anything. I am going to bed.

Ta Da! It's Becky! Class of 97 friends are jumping on the bandwagon!

I saw Lord of the Rings last night! It was amazing and rich and visually stunning and gush gush gush gush gush! I also saw it with Best Sister and Wunderboyfriend, which added to the overall fun. Must go now to go out to dinner and see Harry Potter with Stephen, who has not yet seen it. It's kinda fun doing the long distance thing (except when it sucks) because we get to cram a month's worth of dating, going out to dinner-and-a-movies into a couple of days visit. :)

Happy New Year, everyone! May 2002 be the year of inspiration, fulfillment and healing for us all! And remember, too- that in those times when we are feeling uninspired, sad, hurting, lost, confused, feeling like we made a wrong turn on our journies- we have each other.

By the grace of Goddess and the goodness of loved ones go I.... 2001 was such a difficult year. Last year, one year ago, I sat on Gwen's bed and sobbed, panicking about my future. And yet, I am still here, facing a new year with much anticipation. Last night, Manda and I burned our dayplanner calendars from 2001. (We also "sacrificed" a frozen chicken by stabbing it and making faces while wearing ceremonial "Happy New Year" hats- don't worry, being the resident photojournalist that I am, I took pictures! :) I felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders, and I wish for each of you a deep, refreshing breath to begin the New Year. I know some things are laying heavily on the hearts of a few people who read this page. I send you my strength, my love, and most of all, my deeply profound belief and faith in your inner strength to face your challenges.

Love and un abrazo fuerte to you all....